So... in 22 days and a wake up I am heading to Seattle, Washington for some desperately needed ME time. If I said that life is great, all fine and dandy... it would be untruthful... and I NEED this trip. I need to focus on me and things that make ME happy... I am exhausted... both physically and mentally. I NEED to just walk away and be without the stresses in the household.
I'm not saying that it is or isn't the kids... honestly, I think that they are very little of it. What it feels like the most to me is all the issues that the husband has. A person can only take SO much. I mean... I don't get enough time with the children... because SOMETHING always comes up... and now I feel like I am just going to break.
Where I could go into the semantics that this is all this person's fault, or that one... What matters is how it is all affecting me. Every day wondering if he will have an episode... hoping he won't, and if he does... what kind will it be? Easter Sunday evening ended with a PTSD and NESA (Non-Epileptic Stress Attack - these are psuedopsychotic non-epileptic seizures) episode... in that order... and when he lost conciousness I was holding onto him trying to get him to the ground safely... landing full force on my left knee. The one that gives me the most issues... And you have to keep in mind that my husband at 6'4" is about 220 pounds... so it isn't like he is super light... and ya... just got the results from my MRI that say that I have an 8 mm herniated disc with it compressing my nerves. So... it physically hurts me to keep him physically safe. So what am I to do?
My body is wanting to shut down... I am not sure my medication is the right dosage for me or not, I see the Wizard on Friday... I am taking all my medications at the correct times... and I am trying to be healthy... both in body and mind. But now... it is time to walk away and exist for ME. Not that I won't think about my faamily the ENTIRE time I am gone, but my mental health is by far the most important thing I need to care for. Without it... I am useless.
I am tired of the episodes... I am tired of doing everything... I am tired of being everyones keeper... I am tired of the VA telling me my husband doesn't need a caregiver... they need to come and live MY life... I am sick and tired of the doctors at the VA being worthless... We are FINALLY getting some that we actually approve of and feel benefits from... but this all takes time.
So with all that being said... I am heading on my trip... to go on the Space Needle... watch the entertainment of Pike's Market... see the beauty of the Olympia National Forest... enjoy the serenity of the Alderbrook Resort for 2 days... take a little tour cruise that shows me where they filmed Sleepless in Seattle... and I am sure I will find a couple of outher things along the way... But if I want to sleep all day... I could do that too...
It will be my week of being ME and not Just the Wife... Just the Mama...
