Just tired...

So... I am so tired... On March 21st my husband had a loss of conciousness which resulted in hitting his head... trip to the ER via ambulance... which turned into a full blown PTSD episode... 8 people to hold him down just to be drugged with 4 different sedatives which KNOCKED him out... but not before they pulled out the leather straps to strap him to the bed... by the time we walked out SEVERAL hours later his blood pressure was at a high of 84 over 66... Impressive, huh? Anyhow... moving forward... March 29th... he was talking to my eldest and my friend - all of a sudden hit the wall then the tile... Yup... 9-1-1 again... and off we went... I actually had an option (at least that is what the firefighters called it) - hospital or Houston PD... Wouldn't you know with our luck it was the SAME shift as the previous week... *UGH* Anyhow... no PTSD problem that time (THANK GOD!!!)... Got home at 0230 on the 30th... Happy Birthday to me... FINALLY went to bed about 0530 - asleep about 0600... Wake up call at 0950 - My husband was having a full blown PTSD episode in the middle of school... Again *UGH*... Seriously - At that point I had had about 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days... Needless-to-say - I was NOT happy... nor was I nice when I got there... Literally told my husband I was NOT very sympathetic being so exhausted... Finally came to - followed by him sleeping the remainder of the day... Didn't really talk to him the rest of that night... 31st... Call from the College... oh goody a meeting is being called with the Dean... went to my son's T-Ball game that night, then out to dinner... That is when I FINALLY lost it in FRONT of my husband... I am tired of the fact that in all these years of putting up with this shit... I have only lost it in front of him MAYBE 3 times... always with the same outcome... "I don't want to lose my family over this..." Are you serious? Who said I was leaving... I was just done... burnt out... tired... I do EVERYTHING... and all I needed was a MOMENT... tomorrow I would be fine... It doesn't HAVE TO be about him right then... It needed to be about me... my kids get it... They said, "Papa - Mama is just sad..." Meeting with the Dean on the 4th... brought someone from the WWP with us (Yeah Jim Roos)... needless-to-say - I think she was going to try to kick him out - but didn't like that we brought our own advocate. So she is trying to push him out of a college setting by insisting on ONLINE classes... HELLO - how can he LEARN to be in society if he is not IN society... and HELLO - he has TBI - Online classes are just not going to work - he needs the interaction with the teacher... PLUS he needs the motivation to GET UP everyday and DO something... That brings us to the 5th... Another PTSD episode at home... I am done... I am tired... and I am burnt... I did this constant episode a long time ago (in our world time)... and I am NOT ready to go back... I enjoy being with my kids outside of the house... and I don't want to lock us away afraid to be in public because of what he may do... It isn't good for the kids... me... or him. I lost who I was a LONG time ago... and I keep trying to reclaim me... but how can I when it is ALWAYS about him... My world is suppose to revolve around my children... And it isn't fair that they are losing out on SO much...

Welcome to 2011

Well... I took my trip to Savannah... what a wonderful redefining time of my life... I learned so much about me all by myself... I saw a few VERY important people to me on that trip and it made ALL the difference to me... Redefinition of one self is EXTREMELY important

I decided to start on my Bucket List... On 30 December 2010 I started saving my change for a year... Woo Hoo - already have $7.40... Is that pathetic? Maybe if you knew most of it is in pennies... LOL...

I go to California from March 03 - 14 will be ANOTHER wonderful venture for me - as I get to spend time with my neices - and see my California friends... ANOTHER visit I KNOW I need...

2010 left me with a LOT of realizations... I need to let them grow and build to make who I am stronger and healthier... my wish for each of you - the same...