NO... You can't have my power

So on Monday a conversation happened with someone that shall remain nameless for the entirety of this post... And I will be honest. She got to me... and it hurt... even bringing me to tears. When Richard has one of his "moods" I don't think I react as much these  days because "I am use to it" sadly... it isn't that I don't care, and it does hurt. It is that he knows me... and I know him.

So on Monday I was basically trying to figure out why this person had such an issue with me. I didn't recall ever accidently upsetting her, let alone purposefully. I always try to be a good person and accommodate people's idiosyncrasies (when I know them). So if I do something that is bothersome... sure it may hurt my feelings for a moment... but I get over it and I try to watch that about myself when they are around. PERFECT example... My best friend, Wendy... when she and her husband were still dating, he and I had a HUGE blowup... and it came to my attention that he couldn't stand how hyper I was and how loud I was. It wasn't that I was always like that, it was that Wendy brought it out in me because I enjoyed spending time with her. Ironically she is so calm and quiet... She's definitely the ying to my yang. So after finding that out, for the past whole lotta years, I have tried to tone it down when he is around. That is me. It doesn't change who I am. It simply means that I am respectful.

So back to Monday. A lot was said to me that I still don't completely understand. We will call this person "Lilith" so autonomy is kept. The first thing that was said to me was this:

"A person only apologizes for something, if they have done wrong. People who are not responsive are people who don't want it or don't need it. Out to look for another free way to get something."

I believe that people CAN apologize for things that they are not to blame for. In this instants I was apologizing that Lilith was not getting a response that she was happy with. I was sad that she felt that people were intentionally disregarding her. Not all people are "out to get something" And it saddens me to believe that someone who is suppose to care about others actually feels that way.


"I even asked for help and no response."

This is the thing... NEVER did Lilith ask me for help, with anything. Whenever I made suggestions, they were disregarded or ignored. Telling me that you felt overwhelmed by all on your plate is NOT asking me for help. It is telling me that you lack the ability to accomplish all that you intend to do. I have a heavy load myself... and if you made yourself a little more welcoming, PERHAPS I would have offered up my services and time to help... IF I had it... But when you make me feel like you do not like me, then I have issues with going out of my way to help you and give you a piece of who I am.

"But you have to be stabilized to help others, if you can't figure it out within your own family how can you help someone else?"

Ummm, seriously? That is just wrong. A person that does not even KNOW me telling me that I am not stable? I think for what I deal with I am pretty darn stable. I know what I am feeling... what I am thinking... AND who I am. Although I may not get to always be "me," I am ALWAYS honest when I have struggles and need help. I seek the help I need WHEN I need it. I have a FABULOUS support system that is spread across the nation... And I am starting to really build the one that I have here locally to me. I KNOW it is important to have time away and be able to just get away and be with people that "get it." Lilith implies that I can't help someone else... anyone disagree? 'Cause I sure do. I think I am pretty understanding AND supportive... and ALWAYS try to do my best with listening and asking questions to make sure that I do fully understand. But again, this is someone that does NOT know me... So it shouldn't bother me, right?

"You are loud, you don't respect other with the loudness of your voice."

Yup... been that way since birth. Yes, I have a loud voice. Yes, my voice carries. Yes, I am FULLY aware of it. So, NO you do not offend me telling me so. I know what my faults are, and I try VERY hard to work on them... ESPECIALLY when it affects those around me. And let me just say... Just because I am loud, it does NOT mean that I don't respect others... and it sure as Hell doesn't mean that I am disrespectful. Sometimes being loud is a good thing...

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"You don't tone it down, you interrupt people when they are speaking, you jump into others conversations and when doing so you try to invite yourself in."

OK, SOME of that is true. I DO interrupt. When people are telling a story and I don't understand something or I have a question... I ask. It isn't like I jump in and change the subject. It is how I learn. I have ALWAYS been the kind of person that thrives for knowledge, no matter where I get it. Hmm... jumping into conversations. I was trying to be sociable and a participant. I was told latter that it was rude because I was trying to integrate with other wounded warrior wives (WWW). I have been to retreats in the past where I felt completely alone and had NO ONE to talk to, when there was ample other caregivers, and I shouldn't have felt that way. I don't want to feel that way again, so I try to join into conversations. Lilith even said I tried to invite myself ('cause I am SO KNOWN for that) to go shooting. OK... everyone calm down... you KNOW I am such a gun slinging pistol Mama.

"Its etiquette 101 when an event takes place it is rude to leave it until its dismissed as a group."

After telling me that all I thought about was myself (again, I am SO known for that)... she told me I had to wait till I was dismissed. Umm... I didn't realize that this was class... I thought, "Hey, we were past the time our allotted time was," I had finished all the 'paperwork' that needed to be complete, AND I had to get home for something that evening with my family. The coordinator of the event said goodbye, I walked out with another wife, and said goodbye to many people. Just because I didn't say goodbye to YOU doesn't mean I was being rude to the group as a whole. It means that by this point you had made me feel SO unwelcome in your presence that I didn't want to agitate you.

"I am not judging you that is for God to do not me. I am just letting you know some things to improve on that people made comments about. Its only because you asked. Otherwise I would have kept them to myself like I have been."

 Lilith says she is not judging me, that it is for God to do... but she has been - with her words and her implications. She shouldn't speak for other people. You can ONLY take responsibility for your own actions. And who is she that she feels she should tell me where I need to improve? I think my Mama would be VERY proud of the person I am, and am still continuing to become... and THAT is saying a LOT. I actually NEVER asked her for her opinion... she turned this into a "bash on Natasha" session. Unless everyone is like YOU... they are only substandard... NOT good enough... Seriously? What happened to people being individuals?

"When coming into a conversation, you are either asked by using or question, or you ask permission to be involved in it. You just don't jump in and say something like that sounds like fun, can I come?"

She constantly told me that my reactions were wrong. Wrong? They are MY reactions... she may not like what they were... but they stemmed from MY feelings, and she is NO ONE to tell me how to feel. And basically told me I shouldn't "butt into conversations." So essentially, I should only speak when spoken too. That would get me EVERYWHERE at the VA... don't you think? And NO I didn't invite myself anywhere... I STILL have no clue to what she is referring.

"Read a book on etiquette, because it can't explained to a person if they don't listen. There is a difference between hearing and listening."

That's right she just told me to read a book on etiquette. To me she is implying that (1) I have no etiquette and (2) I don't listen. I think I have pretty good etiquette... I've watched Pretty Women enough times that I know how to act like a lady. ;-)

"Me I am a bitch I know that I have been told on the job...that I am great person to hang out with and have fun but on the job I am bitch."

My opinion... I think you are not very kind any which way. I don't imagine you are a great person to hang out with because you dictate how people should behave. How much fun could that possibly be?

So after telling me that she was powerless over PTSD... here was MY response:

" I am not powerless... I respect that I may not control it... But I know I do my best in ALL I do... I do not do things half ass and I do not say I am going to do things and then just not."

Just like PTSD is NOT my husband, it is what he has though.

OK - Here comes an accusation:

"The first time we met you told me that Richard couldn't be left alone, because of some seizure, but this weekend I saw him by himself a lot."

NICE!!! So because I chose to allow my husband the opportunity to run to the room by himself to gt something so we didn't have to drag the wee ones all the way up there... or because I "let" my husband take his dog to the bathroom by himself... he was by himself a lot. That is just... WOW... NEVER did I say that I followed my husband like we were conjoined twins... AND if he was away from me for longer than he should have I called him... Great inventions those cell phones. I don't insist on my husband feeling like an invalid.

"I recalled a statement then made an observation, you came defensive. Secondary PTSD. Trust me we all have it, I admit and work on it therapy."

OK - so apparently I am in denial of having secondary PTSD. Umm... Have I hid this fact from everyone? I thought that I was pretty open about it. Heck I take medicine (and a LOT of it) to help treat it and my anxiety.

"I guess I am just stickler and with age I tend to follow some old age advice and some unspoken rules of society. Blame the military because they instilled [it]."

Natasha S Massimino

"I know there is a time and a place for everything... And sometimes I get excited... and sometimes I get heated... But I am going to tell you again [Lilith] You do not know me... The last comment you made makes me feel like you are saying I am the opposite... I am QUITE refined in a LOT of aspects. It is a shame that you never allowed yourself to get to actually know me..."

I learned a lot about how to act from my European mother, my grandparents who were both raised in Slovenia, the time I had involved with the military, as well as life. I know what is acceptable and what is not.

"That is one thing I know I have had to work on as well, is that I know some people were raised with etiquettes and I have to learn to over look it... This is where etiquette comes into play, if you are a lady you will always act like one no matter where you are."

OK... does anyone read this the way I did. That Lilith is saying that I have no etiquette and she has to overlook it? This is the part where I think I was slipping into allowing her to have my power. She's also telling me that I don't act like a lady. This is the thing. She denies saying it... that they are just general statements. The problem is... they aren't random statements, and if they are, they do NOT belong in this conversation. She says the statements are about her and not me, but that is not how they were written.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND ONE OF THE THINGS I HAVE TO WORK ON.IS THAT NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE RAISED WITH ETIQUETTES, SO THERE FORE I HAVE TO OVER LOOK IT"

Yup she just reinforced what I already believed. I have no etiquette and she needs to overlook it.

"Yes, now I am screaming because you are not reading what I am saying...the world does not have to be about you all the time, there is no need for you to be defensive and ask stupid ask questions like you are. It makes you look like are stupid."

So any questions at this point as to why I am getting increasingly upset. I want you to know I have still yet to make any rude, snide, or negative comments about her and who she presents herself to me as. Now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, and I am stupid. More and more of my power has been given to her. Excuse me that I had NO CLUE what the heck she was talking about half the time and I had to ask questions to understand.

Tying to make a subtle stand the ONLY bit advise I gave her this whole time was this:

Natasha S Massimino

"You need to learn to take responsibility for what you do and say."

Yup I am definitely a hateful person. So I went onto apologize for waking her up (in a room I didn't even know she was in MONTHS ago)... here was her response:

"See that is all that had to be said instead of the last freaking thirty minutes of it. Anyone who had any etiquettes and manners would have just apologized and when on. You made a big deal out of it."

I didn't make a big deal out of anything. But now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, am stupid, AND I have no manners. Oh and I am LOUD!!! At this point I was SERIOUSLY crying. She still insisted that they were HER faults... and weren't about me. That's fine... she may be right. But then don't use faults that could be understood by the other person as to be about them. She said I was turning everything about me. She was the one writing everything. So now that I was crying and having a difficult time breathing I ended with this:

Natasha S Massimino

"I am done... I was trying to have a productive conversations with you. If you decide to continue on with [deleted for respect to the organization]... good for you... if you don't... then best of luck to you with your future endeavors... I am sure we are going to cross paths at points... and I will always be kind and say hello... as well as the other pleasantries... I will know now, since it has been brought to my attention that you require a softer and quieter tone of voice, so I will respect that. I have nothing else to say. So have a good week. There is no need to reply."

She didn't end it there...

"Like the old saying goes if you ask, someone tell, but you best be a big enough person to listen to what the person is saying."

I walked away at that point... trying to let it go. I realized that after a phone call, that Lilith did NOT deserve my power. I understand at some point I had upset her, and I truly AM sorry for that. Had something been said to me previously I would have made changes earlier on. My intentions are NEVER to hurt anyone, let alone cause them to feel uncomfortable around me. I realized that Lilith's insecurities about herself should not affect me because I KNOW I am a good person... with positive intentions. I not only try to listen to people... but I try to HEAR what they are saying... ad when I don't understand, I ask questions.

So the next morning I get this from Lilith:

"I want to explain to you in a manner you may understand. My great grandmother was from England and she raised us in a strict etiquette environment. My mom was a debutante and introduced into society as they did many moons ago. So when I was talking about me and etiquettes yesterday the statements I made were in general and I tried to let you know that I have issues when etiquette is not followed. I have had people comment on it, so I made a decision to change ME to be not so particular with them. I am learning to relax those etiquettes and let them go.

For example a table not set correctly, I have learned to let it go, it's the Preston's table and they can set it any way they wish. Example 2 when a child is at a buffet without an adult, I used to inform the place I am at and let them know. So now what I do is just help the child. Like when we were at Moody Gardens when we were at lunch one day, there was a little boy who only wanted the grapes out of the fruit bowl and he was having an issue accomplishing it. I just helped him out by asking the staff if they could get him a bowl of grapes. They did. But when he had some cantaloupe on his plate he didn't want he used his fingers and put it back in the fruit bowl. I gently told him oh that isn't something to do because others eat of the bowl, just take and put it on the side of your plate and don't eat it. The little said "I didn't I could ask for grapes and know one ever told not to use my fingers to put food I didn't want back, so now I know next time what to do, thank you ma'am". And when I talk about MY triggers for migraines I know what they are like multiple noise level in one room. Like I tried to tell you, when we were outside smoking before the dinner with WWP and I acknowledged you when you said " Hi, [Lilith]" and I only said " Hey Natasha" is because I was praying and meditating to relax my mind before going into the room. I don't stay in environments like that for very long to prevent a migraine. I like enjoying my time without a migraine. So I hope you now understand what I am saying. They are general statements about me and things I need to work. It made me mad when you turning it all into you. Using my issue that I need to work for me to be a better person around everyone. But, you used them against me, making yourself a problem to my issues. That is wrong Natasha. You should not take what someone is saying and turn it around on yourself placing blame where no blame is at it."

Now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, am stupid, I have no manners, oh ya she called me a liar early in the conversation, and now I am a simpleton and she has to break it down for me so I will understand.This was my response:

"[Lilith] - I will only respond to the last thing that you said. I understood EVERYTHING that you said yesterday, and at no point did I not think they were things that you had to work on for you. That is what you are not understanding. When you say "I have to over look the way that people behave and their etiquette", it sounds very hurtful. Just like you telling me that I was asking stupid questions and sounded stupid.

The thing is... If I told you specifically that I had to work on dealing with people who have English etiquette... and over look it... it sounds like an attack on you. But I would never say that. The thing is... You told me twice to read a book on etiquette and then told me you had to over look people who didn't have it... That implies to me that you are saying that I have no etiquette.

Yesterday, by the time I was off the computer I was crying so hard I had issues catching my breath. I was not upset that I thought I had no etiquette... I was upset that you were demanding that I understood what you were saying... when in fact I did understand. And then I also heard what you may not have been intending to say. The thing is... I think you listened to what I was saying - but not heard what I was meaning. You were too busy trying to say that I was turning this all about me... but no matter what tone I read your comments... They never turned out good... I DID understand that it was something that you are working on about YOU... but it doesn't mean that what you said didn't hurt me in the process.

I wish not to repeat yesterday, I need to be more productive and get things done around here so I can have quality time with my family. Like I said yesterday, when we are at the same events I will be polite, and genuine at it, but I wish not to discuss anything further."

So with that being said... She no longer hurts me. She doesn't have my power... only I have the right to control it on this Earth. But like she says... she is from a different era of upbringing... but just because she is from a different time and a different place than me (1) doesn't mean I am wrong and she is right, and (2) doesn't make me disrespectful. I was being held against for something I didn't even realize I had done, and I took that responsibility and apologized.

I guess she just wants me to be just the wife... just the mama...

But I am ME too!!!