Back to School

I LOVE my children... But not going to lie... I am SO happy that they are back in school. The little pieces of quiet I have during the day, the ability to make uninterrupted telephone calls... and oh my gosh... NAPS... well, if I had time. Sometimes I truly need to have the ability to rejuvenate.

I love being able to sit down with the wee ones to work on their homework... allowing them to focus and learn. It is really sweet.

UNFORTUNATELY... going to bed is not the easiest thing for them. I think their minds do not settle down.

Their first week was a bit off with Richard being in the hospital and not here, but it ran overall well. I am pretty sure the kids like their teachers... Which is a TOTAL bonus!!!

Anastasia started home schooling... for the most part she likes it, she is having a hard time understanding some of the material, but that is because the teachers did not share what their expectations are. I'm working on it.

Still busy as ever... I just need to remember I am not Just the Wife... Just the Mama

NO... You can't have my power

So on Monday a conversation happened with someone that shall remain nameless for the entirety of this post... And I will be honest. She got to me... and it hurt... even bringing me to tears. When Richard has one of his "moods" I don't think I react as much these  days because "I am use to it" sadly... it isn't that I don't care, and it does hurt. It is that he knows me... and I know him.

So on Monday I was basically trying to figure out why this person had such an issue with me. I didn't recall ever accidently upsetting her, let alone purposefully. I always try to be a good person and accommodate people's idiosyncrasies (when I know them). So if I do something that is bothersome... sure it may hurt my feelings for a moment... but I get over it and I try to watch that about myself when they are around. PERFECT example... My best friend, Wendy... when she and her husband were still dating, he and I had a HUGE blowup... and it came to my attention that he couldn't stand how hyper I was and how loud I was. It wasn't that I was always like that, it was that Wendy brought it out in me because I enjoyed spending time with her. Ironically she is so calm and quiet... She's definitely the ying to my yang. So after finding that out, for the past whole lotta years, I have tried to tone it down when he is around. That is me. It doesn't change who I am. It simply means that I am respectful.

So back to Monday. A lot was said to me that I still don't completely understand. We will call this person "Lilith" so autonomy is kept. The first thing that was said to me was this:

"A person only apologizes for something, if they have done wrong. People who are not responsive are people who don't want it or don't need it. Out to look for another free way to get something."

I believe that people CAN apologize for things that they are not to blame for. In this instants I was apologizing that Lilith was not getting a response that she was happy with. I was sad that she felt that people were intentionally disregarding her. Not all people are "out to get something" And it saddens me to believe that someone who is suppose to care about others actually feels that way.


"I even asked for help and no response."

This is the thing... NEVER did Lilith ask me for help, with anything. Whenever I made suggestions, they were disregarded or ignored. Telling me that you felt overwhelmed by all on your plate is NOT asking me for help. It is telling me that you lack the ability to accomplish all that you intend to do. I have a heavy load myself... and if you made yourself a little more welcoming, PERHAPS I would have offered up my services and time to help... IF I had it... But when you make me feel like you do not like me, then I have issues with going out of my way to help you and give you a piece of who I am.

"But you have to be stabilized to help others, if you can't figure it out within your own family how can you help someone else?"

Ummm, seriously? That is just wrong. A person that does not even KNOW me telling me that I am not stable? I think for what I deal with I am pretty darn stable. I know what I am feeling... what I am thinking... AND who I am. Although I may not get to always be "me," I am ALWAYS honest when I have struggles and need help. I seek the help I need WHEN I need it. I have a FABULOUS support system that is spread across the nation... And I am starting to really build the one that I have here locally to me. I KNOW it is important to have time away and be able to just get away and be with people that "get it." Lilith implies that I can't help someone else... anyone disagree? 'Cause I sure do. I think I am pretty understanding AND supportive... and ALWAYS try to do my best with listening and asking questions to make sure that I do fully understand. But again, this is someone that does NOT know me... So it shouldn't bother me, right?

"You are loud, you don't respect other with the loudness of your voice."

Yup... been that way since birth. Yes, I have a loud voice. Yes, my voice carries. Yes, I am FULLY aware of it. So, NO you do not offend me telling me so. I know what my faults are, and I try VERY hard to work on them... ESPECIALLY when it affects those around me. And let me just say... Just because I am loud, it does NOT mean that I don't respect others... and it sure as Hell doesn't mean that I am disrespectful. Sometimes being loud is a good thing...

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"You don't tone it down, you interrupt people when they are speaking, you jump into others conversations and when doing so you try to invite yourself in."

OK, SOME of that is true. I DO interrupt. When people are telling a story and I don't understand something or I have a question... I ask. It isn't like I jump in and change the subject. It is how I learn. I have ALWAYS been the kind of person that thrives for knowledge, no matter where I get it. Hmm... jumping into conversations. I was trying to be sociable and a participant. I was told latter that it was rude because I was trying to integrate with other wounded warrior wives (WWW). I have been to retreats in the past where I felt completely alone and had NO ONE to talk to, when there was ample other caregivers, and I shouldn't have felt that way. I don't want to feel that way again, so I try to join into conversations. Lilith even said I tried to invite myself ('cause I am SO KNOWN for that) to go shooting. OK... everyone calm down... you KNOW I am such a gun slinging pistol Mama.

"Its etiquette 101 when an event takes place it is rude to leave it until its dismissed as a group."

After telling me that all I thought about was myself (again, I am SO known for that)... she told me I had to wait till I was dismissed. Umm... I didn't realize that this was class... I thought, "Hey, we were past the time our allotted time was," I had finished all the 'paperwork' that needed to be complete, AND I had to get home for something that evening with my family. The coordinator of the event said goodbye, I walked out with another wife, and said goodbye to many people. Just because I didn't say goodbye to YOU doesn't mean I was being rude to the group as a whole. It means that by this point you had made me feel SO unwelcome in your presence that I didn't want to agitate you.

"I am not judging you that is for God to do not me. I am just letting you know some things to improve on that people made comments about. Its only because you asked. Otherwise I would have kept them to myself like I have been."

 Lilith says she is not judging me, that it is for God to do... but she has been - with her words and her implications. She shouldn't speak for other people. You can ONLY take responsibility for your own actions. And who is she that she feels she should tell me where I need to improve? I think my Mama would be VERY proud of the person I am, and am still continuing to become... and THAT is saying a LOT. I actually NEVER asked her for her opinion... she turned this into a "bash on Natasha" session. Unless everyone is like YOU... they are only substandard... NOT good enough... Seriously? What happened to people being individuals?

"When coming into a conversation, you are either asked by using or question, or you ask permission to be involved in it. You just don't jump in and say something like that sounds like fun, can I come?"

She constantly told me that my reactions were wrong. Wrong? They are MY reactions... she may not like what they were... but they stemmed from MY feelings, and she is NO ONE to tell me how to feel. And basically told me I shouldn't "butt into conversations." So essentially, I should only speak when spoken too. That would get me EVERYWHERE at the VA... don't you think? And NO I didn't invite myself anywhere... I STILL have no clue to what she is referring.

"Read a book on etiquette, because it can't explained to a person if they don't listen. There is a difference between hearing and listening."

That's right she just told me to read a book on etiquette. To me she is implying that (1) I have no etiquette and (2) I don't listen. I think I have pretty good etiquette... I've watched Pretty Women enough times that I know how to act like a lady. ;-)

"Me I am a bitch I know that I have been told on the job...that I am great person to hang out with and have fun but on the job I am bitch."

My opinion... I think you are not very kind any which way. I don't imagine you are a great person to hang out with because you dictate how people should behave. How much fun could that possibly be?

So after telling me that she was powerless over PTSD... here was MY response:

" I am not powerless... I respect that I may not control it... But I know I do my best in ALL I do... I do not do things half ass and I do not say I am going to do things and then just not."

Just like PTSD is NOT my husband, it is what he has though.

OK - Here comes an accusation:

"The first time we met you told me that Richard couldn't be left alone, because of some seizure, but this weekend I saw him by himself a lot."

NICE!!! So because I chose to allow my husband the opportunity to run to the room by himself to gt something so we didn't have to drag the wee ones all the way up there... or because I "let" my husband take his dog to the bathroom by himself... he was by himself a lot. That is just... WOW... NEVER did I say that I followed my husband like we were conjoined twins... AND if he was away from me for longer than he should have I called him... Great inventions those cell phones. I don't insist on my husband feeling like an invalid.

"I recalled a statement then made an observation, you came defensive. Secondary PTSD. Trust me we all have it, I admit and work on it therapy."

OK - so apparently I am in denial of having secondary PTSD. Umm... Have I hid this fact from everyone? I thought that I was pretty open about it. Heck I take medicine (and a LOT of it) to help treat it and my anxiety.

"I guess I am just stickler and with age I tend to follow some old age advice and some unspoken rules of society. Blame the military because they instilled [it]."

Natasha S Massimino

"I know there is a time and a place for everything... And sometimes I get excited... and sometimes I get heated... But I am going to tell you again [Lilith] You do not know me... The last comment you made makes me feel like you are saying I am the opposite... I am QUITE refined in a LOT of aspects. It is a shame that you never allowed yourself to get to actually know me..."

I learned a lot about how to act from my European mother, my grandparents who were both raised in Slovenia, the time I had involved with the military, as well as life. I know what is acceptable and what is not.

"That is one thing I know I have had to work on as well, is that I know some people were raised with etiquettes and I have to learn to over look it... This is where etiquette comes into play, if you are a lady you will always act like one no matter where you are."

OK... does anyone read this the way I did. That Lilith is saying that I have no etiquette and she has to overlook it? This is the part where I think I was slipping into allowing her to have my power. She's also telling me that I don't act like a lady. This is the thing. She denies saying it... that they are just general statements. The problem is... they aren't random statements, and if they are, they do NOT belong in this conversation. She says the statements are about her and not me, but that is not how they were written.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND ONE OF THE THINGS I HAVE TO WORK ON.IS THAT NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE RAISED WITH ETIQUETTES, SO THERE FORE I HAVE TO OVER LOOK IT"

Yup she just reinforced what I already believed. I have no etiquette and she needs to overlook it.

"Yes, now I am screaming because you are not reading what I am saying...the world does not have to be about you all the time, there is no need for you to be defensive and ask stupid ask questions like you are. It makes you look like are stupid."

So any questions at this point as to why I am getting increasingly upset. I want you to know I have still yet to make any rude, snide, or negative comments about her and who she presents herself to me as. Now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, and I am stupid. More and more of my power has been given to her. Excuse me that I had NO CLUE what the heck she was talking about half the time and I had to ask questions to understand.

Tying to make a subtle stand the ONLY bit advise I gave her this whole time was this:

Natasha S Massimino

"You need to learn to take responsibility for what you do and say."

Yup I am definitely a hateful person. So I went onto apologize for waking her up (in a room I didn't even know she was in MONTHS ago)... here was her response:

"See that is all that had to be said instead of the last freaking thirty minutes of it. Anyone who had any etiquettes and manners would have just apologized and when on. You made a big deal out of it."

I didn't make a big deal out of anything. But now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, am stupid, AND I have no manners. Oh and I am LOUD!!! At this point I was SERIOUSLY crying. She still insisted that they were HER faults... and weren't about me. That's fine... she may be right. But then don't use faults that could be understood by the other person as to be about them. She said I was turning everything about me. She was the one writing everything. So now that I was crying and having a difficult time breathing I ended with this:

Natasha S Massimino

"I am done... I was trying to have a productive conversations with you. If you decide to continue on with [deleted for respect to the organization]... good for you... if you don't... then best of luck to you with your future endeavors... I am sure we are going to cross paths at points... and I will always be kind and say hello... as well as the other pleasantries... I will know now, since it has been brought to my attention that you require a softer and quieter tone of voice, so I will respect that. I have nothing else to say. So have a good week. There is no need to reply."

She didn't end it there...

"Like the old saying goes if you ask, someone tell, but you best be a big enough person to listen to what the person is saying."

I walked away at that point... trying to let it go. I realized that after a phone call, that Lilith did NOT deserve my power. I understand at some point I had upset her, and I truly AM sorry for that. Had something been said to me previously I would have made changes earlier on. My intentions are NEVER to hurt anyone, let alone cause them to feel uncomfortable around me. I realized that Lilith's insecurities about herself should not affect me because I KNOW I am a good person... with positive intentions. I not only try to listen to people... but I try to HEAR what they are saying... ad when I don't understand, I ask questions.

So the next morning I get this from Lilith:

"I want to explain to you in a manner you may understand. My great grandmother was from England and she raised us in a strict etiquette environment. My mom was a debutante and introduced into society as they did many moons ago. So when I was talking about me and etiquettes yesterday the statements I made were in general and I tried to let you know that I have issues when etiquette is not followed. I have had people comment on it, so I made a decision to change ME to be not so particular with them. I am learning to relax those etiquettes and let them go.

For example a table not set correctly, I have learned to let it go, it's the Preston's table and they can set it any way they wish. Example 2 when a child is at a buffet without an adult, I used to inform the place I am at and let them know. So now what I do is just help the child. Like when we were at Moody Gardens when we were at lunch one day, there was a little boy who only wanted the grapes out of the fruit bowl and he was having an issue accomplishing it. I just helped him out by asking the staff if they could get him a bowl of grapes. They did. But when he had some cantaloupe on his plate he didn't want he used his fingers and put it back in the fruit bowl. I gently told him oh that isn't something to do because others eat of the bowl, just take and put it on the side of your plate and don't eat it. The little said "I didn't I could ask for grapes and know one ever told not to use my fingers to put food I didn't want back, so now I know next time what to do, thank you ma'am". And when I talk about MY triggers for migraines I know what they are like multiple noise level in one room. Like I tried to tell you, when we were outside smoking before the dinner with WWP and I acknowledged you when you said " Hi, [Lilith]" and I only said " Hey Natasha" is because I was praying and meditating to relax my mind before going into the room. I don't stay in environments like that for very long to prevent a migraine. I like enjoying my time without a migraine. So I hope you now understand what I am saying. They are general statements about me and things I need to work. It made me mad when you turning it all into you. Using my issue that I need to work for me to be a better person around everyone. But, you used them against me, making yourself a problem to my issues. That is wrong Natasha. You should not take what someone is saying and turn it around on yourself placing blame where no blame is at it."

Now I have no etiquette, don't act like a lady, am stupid, I have no manners, oh ya she called me a liar early in the conversation, and now I am a simpleton and she has to break it down for me so I will understand.This was my response:

"[Lilith] - I will only respond to the last thing that you said. I understood EVERYTHING that you said yesterday, and at no point did I not think they were things that you had to work on for you. That is what you are not understanding. When you say "I have to over look the way that people behave and their etiquette", it sounds very hurtful. Just like you telling me that I was asking stupid questions and sounded stupid.

The thing is... If I told you specifically that I had to work on dealing with people who have English etiquette... and over look it... it sounds like an attack on you. But I would never say that. The thing is... You told me twice to read a book on etiquette and then told me you had to over look people who didn't have it... That implies to me that you are saying that I have no etiquette.

Yesterday, by the time I was off the computer I was crying so hard I had issues catching my breath. I was not upset that I thought I had no etiquette... I was upset that you were demanding that I understood what you were saying... when in fact I did understand. And then I also heard what you may not have been intending to say. The thing is... I think you listened to what I was saying - but not heard what I was meaning. You were too busy trying to say that I was turning this all about me... but no matter what tone I read your comments... They never turned out good... I DID understand that it was something that you are working on about YOU... but it doesn't mean that what you said didn't hurt me in the process.

I wish not to repeat yesterday, I need to be more productive and get things done around here so I can have quality time with my family. Like I said yesterday, when we are at the same events I will be polite, and genuine at it, but I wish not to discuss anything further."

So with that being said... She no longer hurts me. She doesn't have my power... only I have the right to control it on this Earth. But like she says... she is from a different era of upbringing... but just because she is from a different time and a different place than me (1) doesn't mean I am wrong and she is right, and (2) doesn't make me disrespectful. I was being held against for something I didn't even realize I had done, and I took that responsibility and apologized.

I guess she just wants me to be just the wife... just the mama...

But I am ME too!!!

Battling the VA and the CGC

OK - So what's been going on with us... well, I'm taking on the retched woman at the VA that holds the title of Caregiver Coordinator. Let's just say I have a plan, and it the pieces are falling beautifully around it.

So back in August 2012 I was physically handed a letter from the CGC (Caregiver Coordinator) that stated that they were revoking my husband's eligibility for the CG Stipend (Caregiver). We jumped through the hoops she told me to and then I appealed. I bypassed this woman and went through the Patient Advocate (we like her) to have it submitted directly to the VISN (Veterans Integrated Service Network - It's basically the district)... it was denied.

So how did this get to this point? For the most part I will tell you at the end, but essentially the doctor went from rating my husband that he needed a CG to absolutely NOTHING was wrong with him (someone forgot to give me the memo, and tell Richard he was miraculously healed).

I THEN asked for an external review. Ok what does this mean... it means what they SHOULD HAVE done was not looked at any of my husband's doctors notes and basically conducted their own research into it. So I'm pretty sure you know that is NOT how it went down. They never mailed, called, or showed ANY attempt in contacting my husband... ummm, ya... show we were a bit surprised to get yet ANOTHER denial letter in the mail. OK, so we sat on this trying to figure out the most professional way to take this. In all this time, many things were going on.

The CGC was being herself (which is NOT a good thing to be) and purposefully causing stress to our family. And in our house, stress = episodes. So around October time frame CPS (Child Protective Services) was called and there was a report filed on my husband. Seriously?!?! Ugh. So we packed all three kids in the car, packed in Richard and Koa and off we went. We had nothing to hide, so let's get this over with. Now I want you to know that we got the message on a Friday, and it wouldn't be until MONDAY that we could talk to anyone. How's about a little stress, right? OK, so off we went. They were surprised that Richard was a veteran, and were not aware of this (since they handle veteran's differently). They had my children out playing while they started in on the allegations. Three sentences later I said, "You can stop. I know where the letter came from. Would you like a copy of the original letter written (since it was almost word for word)?" That kind of took them off guard and they asked if I actually had it with me. Of course I did... I knew where this was coming from and was prepared with my "VA bag." So I gave them a copy and waited with my children as they read it. Needless-to-say, they finished reading it, talked to the kids individually for just a few moments, and told us we were done. On the way out I simply asked if on a preliminary note if we were good? She smiled and told us yes. When the case was finally closed we got a letter in the mail... it was dismissed... note because of lack of evidence, but because it was unwarranted (meaning it was a false report).

In December Richard had a dissociative episode causing him to want to hurt himself. After spending almost a week in the mental ward (RIGHT before Christmas), he got to come home (YEAH!!!). A week after his discharge, we had to meet with Mr. Tennessee, a PA (Physician's Assistant) for Psychiatry to make sure all his medications were good. We liked him SO much that we asked him to be his new attending Psychiatrist. We started with a new therapist (Mr. Parker - he ROCKS) and things got better.

We submitted in February a formal letter stating that we wanted to change my husband's PCM (Primary Care Manager - his main doctor) as well as his Psychiatrist. The director of Mental Health actually called us to tell him that the request for Mr. Tennessee had been granted.

The beginning of March I reapplied for the CG Stipend. After leaving several messages the CGC FINALLY called me back (she is notorious for doing that). She proceeded to tell me that my husband's episode in December (which mind you, I have on video) was a "stunt." That's right... she actually said that. So Richard took the phone from me and let her HAVE IT!!! (Good for him). The next day was our final meeting with the PCM at the time. Richard let him have it too. Again - Good for him!!! I kept quite nearly the whole meeting. I want you to know that 2 - 3 times during that final appointment that doctor actually said that he never said that Richard DIDN'T need a caregiver and believes that he does... Ummm... then why did you rate him at a NO for everything? Whatever his opinion didn't matter to us anymore. This was the second time he did something like this to us. After Richard's ORIGINAL VA PCM left to go into Research in Virginia, that's the GREAT Dr. Helmer, that current PCM re rated my husband.

(side note: at this point we are at a tier 1. this is how it breaks down roughly:
          Tier 1:     0 - 10 hours a week
          Tier 2:     11 - 25 hours a week
          Tier 3:     26 - 40 hours a week)

That PCM re rated my husband from his original rating of tier 1 to a tier 3. Now, those that KNOW me... you know how much work Richard can be. I was like cool (secretly I was hoping at least for a tier 2 - but hey this worked). Now, the doctor calls up to the CGC and asks the next step to take. She tells him my husband does not qualify for tier 3 and tells the doctor to change it, which he does. He actually copied and pasted word for word what Dr. Helmer had written. Yup, thanks for the CGC!

So onto the new PCM (we like him too so far) Dr. Ghosh (NASA clinic if anyone wants to know). May 3, 2013. The doctor actually rates Richard at tier 3 AGAIN!!! Lots of witnesses and everything. Yeah! Two weeks later I don't hear anything, so I call. FINALLY the NCM (Nurse Case Manager for the CG Program) calls me and tell me that this is a team decision.... ummm... ya... duh! I know. So I politely tell her that I didn't realize I had to do their job FOR them... so I called the Psychiatrist and asked if he would be willing to do it. He agrees to do it at the next appointment (June 12th). Fantastic! I thought it was cute that the CGC thought she would get somewhere with me sending the NCM after me.

June 12th - Went to therapy with Mr. Parker (we really do like him), then went down to medical records and requested all the documentation from the May 3rd doctor's appointments. Wouldn't you know, that CG Assessment had been retracted. What the heck does THAT mean? Again, we KNEW the CGC had her hand in this. Now if ANYONE thought we were paranoid thinking that the CGC didn't like us... we had some serious proof going on now.

So same day... we went to the appointment with the Psychiatrist (PA). You know, the one where he was going to fill out HIS portion of the information on the (now missing) Assessment. Anyhow all the stress and talk sent Richard into a full blown PTSD episode. Let's just say that half way through the appointment that a "code green" was called on my husband (police and all were called). It ended with a Non-Epileptic Stress Attack (seizure where he loses consciousness). We finished the appointment and off to the Patient Advocate we went.

I'm just going to say I LOVE Michele Farrow (the Patient Advocate). She really IS in the right position for this job. She TRULY cares about the veterans. Anyway, long story short... Chief of Staff of Mental Health was called. She wants the Director of Mental Health to review ALL the information that Michele has, and then she wants to review it as well. Everyone now recognizes that there is a SERIOUS issue and flaw in the system (my personal belief is that the flaw is the CGC).

On Saturday the 22nd I was a part of a Focus Group at the VA about the care of the veterans their. Let's just say that 3 of the people that were there DEFINITELY knew what would be on the agenda that day. I tried to remain as professional as possible, and really enlightened a few people that were misinformed by the CGC on how to rate people. I told them that I not only had READ the bill, but I spoke with one of the writers (Ralph Ibson with the Wounded Warrior Project (WWP)), talked to the Deputy Director of the Stipend in Washington DC (Meg Kabat) as well as the NCM under Meg Kabat (Nancy Dupkee). I had also spoken to SEVERAL CG's across the nation about how their care team meetings ran that made their process successful. The veteran and the caregiver get to be a part of that meeting. Amazing... have the veteran a part of his care. So if any questions needed to be addressed they were right there to answer them, and clarify anything that may need it. Unique idea, huh?

I swore that I WOULD get the stipend back... and then somehow, someway that woman would lose her job. Let's just say that it appears EVERYTHING is going in the right direction. It has been a week since the Chief of Staff and the Director have received all the paperwork (and I'll tell you right now, it is a LOT), and we are just playing the waiting game. I am one of those people that understands that people have other things to do as well... and I am patient. It will all come in time.

So for now I am happy with the way that things are going, and I can go back to being Just the Wife, Just the Mama.

Is it a Tornado? Is it a Hurricane? Nah, it's just the whirlwind of life...

So May is a CRAZY month for us... the children have field trips, end of the year performances, school activities... all the adult stuff has their end of the year activities... then throw in a graduation for my eldest resident brat in the house (I DO love you Shayne)... and the daily life stuff. Oh and a husband that enjoys his sleep, and cannot find the motivation to help me.

So with that being said... I CANNOT wait for school to be over for the children. This waking up early every morning after having a late night is for the birds. I NEED SLEEP!!!

But alas once school is out for the summer... a whole new craziness will begin. Visit from my sister and Baby Jack... Shayne ships off to boot camp... Anastasia will be babysitting regularly for a bunch of people... Isabella is going to be taking dance and cheerleading classes (thank GOD only for 6 weeks)... piano lessons... AND I still need to find something that will hold Devlin's attention. Then we will have swimming lessons for the two wee ones... and Brownie play dates... LOTS of scrapbooking... Making projects with my Cricut... and hopefully selling them (look out for pictures on Facebook if you are interested in anything in particular)... then Richard has school 2 days a week, and should have a internship (unpaid) so he can graduate in December. I am SO proud of him.

I don't know what I would do if I had nothing to do... perhaps ACTUALLY create things for me to do... But for now, I need to work with what I got.

I LOVE my children... I LOVE my husband... I even love all the animals... but honestly... I also need a slow down. My mind... my health... and my body would honestly appreciate it.

BUT if anyone is crazy enough to come visit during the summer... let me know... I LOVE company!!!

It's my life... it's now or never...

So... in 22 days and a wake up I am heading to Seattle, Washington for some desperately needed ME time. If I said that life is great, all fine and dandy... it would be untruthful... and I NEED this trip. I need to focus on me and things that make ME happy... I am exhausted... both physically and mentally. I NEED to just walk away and be without the stresses in the household.

I'm not saying that it is or isn't the kids... honestly, I think that they are very little of it. What it feels like the most to me is all the issues that the husband has. A person can only take SO much. I mean... I don't get enough time with the children... because SOMETHING always comes up... and now I feel like I am just going to break.

Where I could go into the semantics that this is all this person's fault, or that one... What matters is how it is all affecting me. Every day wondering if he will have an episode... hoping he won't, and if he does... what kind will it be? Easter Sunday evening ended with a PTSD and NESA (Non-Epileptic Stress Attack - these are psuedopsychotic non-epileptic seizures) episode... in that order... and when he lost conciousness I was holding onto him trying to get him to the ground safely... landing full force on my left knee. The one that gives me the most issues... And you have to keep in mind that my husband at 6'4" is about 220 pounds... so it isn't like he is super light... and ya... just got the results from my MRI that say that I have an 8 mm herniated disc with it compressing my nerves. So... it physically hurts me to keep him physically safe. So what am I to do?

My body is wanting to shut down... I am not sure my medication is the right dosage for me or not, I see the Wizard on Friday... I am taking all my medications at the correct times... and I am trying to be healthy... both in body and mind. But now... it is time to walk away and exist for ME. Not that I won't think about my faamily the ENTIRE time I am gone, but my mental health is by far the most important thing I need to care for. Without it... I am useless.

I am tired of the episodes... I am tired of doing everything... I am tired of being everyones keeper... I am tired of the VA telling me my husband doesn't need a caregiver... they need to come and live MY life... I am sick and tired of the doctors at the VA being worthless... We are FINALLY getting some that we actually approve of and feel benefits from... but this all takes time.

So with all that being said... I am heading on my trip... to go on the Space Needle... watch the entertainment of Pike's Market... see the beauty of the Olympia National Forest... enjoy the serenity of the Alderbrook Resort for 2 days... take a little tour cruise that shows me where they filmed Sleepless in Seattle... and I am sure I will find a couple of outher things along the way... But if I want to sleep all day... I could do that too...

It will be my week of being ME and not Just the Wife... Just the Mama...

Gunpowder and Lead... or anxiety... same thing, right?

So... today I took my husband out on a surprise date. I have been planning it for weeks... just needing a day, and well, since his service dog, Koa, needed to be groomed, I took advantage of the opportunity. Let's just say it was a BIG step for me.

I have NEVER been a fan of guns, or ANY firearms for the matter. But, I took him to the shooting range (an indoor one) because it is something HE enjoys... When we arrived at the D Club Shooting Range my heart started pounding... It wasn't until we filled out the paperwork, he picked out a 9mm Glock, got the targets and bullets, and headed into our lane #12 to start shooting did my anxiety REALLY pick up.

He showed me what to do, put the bullets into the clip and asked me if I wanted to go first. Ummm... No? I let him go first. He was MORE THAN happy to oblige.

He did well... at least I think so... He hit the target... and even hit near the red. Shoot (no pun intended)... my turn was next. I filled the first 12 bullets, after that I was having difficulty, so Richard helped me out. I picked up the gun, aimed... waited... waited... yup, put the gun back down. I was having a difficult time catching my breath. My heart was pounding... I was shaking, and my protective eyewear kept fogging up. And NO I had not even fired the darn thing yet...

Needless-to-say, I FINALLY fired the gun... I had to stop several times because of my protective eyewear fogging, and I kept shaking... but I got through those 25 rounds... Several times I wanted to cry... and I almost did... but I kept going till I was done. Then we started over again... Richard going first.

Overall, I think I did really well... Only shooting a gun one other time in my life (a 357 Magnum Revolver)... But it was when that 1st casing hit my arm and got me good... my aim was not so good after that. And then right after that, the next casing that hit me right near my collar bone, it got me even better. So that's where the errors came. I know for next time, I need to wear a different top.

My husnad had a blast, I came home with an anxiety induced headache and mentally exhausted... but I did it. I am still anxious about guns... and I am still not OK with them in my house... BUT I gave it a chance, and I followed through with it. Which for anyoone that KNOWS me... I am totally NOT about firearms. But I did cross it off my list of 101 goals in 1001 days.

One more day closer to not being Just the Wife, Just the Mama...

Competency and the VA

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