So... it shall begin

I decided I REALLY needed a place to vent and or just hear myself think... I don't ask for negativity... Basically - this is MY place to cry... and well, since it's my party - well... Ill cry if I want to...

A little about me...

We'll skip all the little stuff and jump straight to... well... I guess it is the "good" stuff... My husband and I married in January 2003... and then again in December 2004 - Yes we celebrate two anniversaries... if celebrating is what it would be called... we recognize both... We have three wonderful kids... although the eldest (let's just say - she's a teenager) - well, she's my heartache... I was pregnant with my third kiddo when my husband was medivaced home from Iraq on his 3rd tour... It was just before Halloween 2006... Maybe that's why all the emotions built up in me right now... like I said - this is MY party and I want to cry...

I knew BEFORE that deployment that something was wrong... just couldn't pin point what it was... but overall it was OK... I was a KV for the unit... a Key Volunteer for those that don't know is basically like the Mommy of the group - and keeps the communications with the Stateside families... I was the ONLY one for my 102 Marines... Being pregnant and having a baby toddling around was stressful enough... but actually not bad... But it was after my wee'st one was born that it ALL changed... life as I knew it was DONE...

It was December 15th... 2006... My baby was 11 days old... when I heard him crying then Richard saying, "If you don't shut the fuck up - I'll slit your throat..." And so it began...

A lot has gone in these past 4 years... and I can't say it has gotten easier... Would I change any of it - HELL YA!!! I would giv my husband his brain AND mind back... I can't imagine what it feels like in HIS world... but I sure as hell know what it feels like in mine... I have the secondary PTSD... I have been been on the receiving end of his... this crap SUCKS!!! So here we are in Texas... just celebrating our two year mark of being in the house just about a month ago... although celebrating is NOT how I would describe it... and I feel more lost than ever...

EVERYONE I know and love is just so far away... I know I have made some exceptional friends here... and some of my friends have been able to come and visit us... but does it make it any easier... nope... So I decided to go back to school in the Fall of 2009... decided to finally finish what I started. But with all this new knowledge I have learned over the past 4 years - I decided working with people with TBI and PTSD would be a good way to go... I think I am pretty good and patient with it... and others compliment me... so why not... Just FYI - I graduate with my AA in Psychology December 11th of this year... Then I will take a break till Fall 2011 to deal with all my medical issues...

But... I am tired... I can't seem to concentrae and exhaustion just seems to bethe norm for me these days... i really don't know any different... I know I take on too many things - but there is NOTHING I want to miss when it comes to my children. I just don't get it - I SWEAR my Mama use to do 2 - 3 times more stuff and never seemed to lack any kind of energy... I just want to be the kind of person she was... and make her proud...

The other day on Facebook I posted this thing about asking me ANYTHING to my Inbox... my friend asked me a simple question... She basically wanted to know how I saw myself..." Here was my reply...

"When I look at myself... I see a broken-down woman whose body is done... But doesn't want to miss an opportunity to help someone or do something with and for my children... I see myself not being able to do ALL the things I want to do (I know that sounds crazy with all I DO do)... I see myself as getting weaker and weaker... I am afraid that because of it - I will miss out on so many things...

My Mama was truly the STRONGEST woman I have ever known... and I don't see my self as doing even half of what she did at this point... I just want to make her proud..."

That is the truth too... I just think I am doing what I am suppose to do as a wife and a a Mama... I don't ask for anything in return... But more importantly I want to share the response I got from her... I am not naming her - so I hope she doesn't mind... It meant EVERYTHING to me...

"On my list of strong women, you are like. . . #2. MY mom is numero uno. I always think of you when I feel I can't take it, and I realize that your day-to-day trumps my random down-in-the-dumps. I think you are frickin' amazing and that everyone who has gotten to know you is sooo lucky - whether they know it or not..."

That last part makes the tears come... because EVERYTHING I think I have worked fr in my life leads to that... That SOMEHOW I made a difference... and I know SO many of those in my life that I love dearly have told me that in the past... but I never knew she felt that way... I have felt that way about others in my life - that people that know them truly are blessed... (God rest his soul) Jerry Nguyen was one of those people to me... I think he was just one of those people that EVERYONE should have known...

I don't ask for anything for me... just that others pass on what they have learned from me to others... passing it forward is how we help to make a change... Then I truly believe that I was given another God send this year... I met my Geology teacher who really has become an important part of my survival in this state... he is really the little bit of California that I need to keep my sanity here... OMG - what am I gonna do when I graduate... But I think we have become pretty good friends I think he and his wife are really wonderful... but he puts "bad" things in my head... you know... like telling me that I could be anything... a laywer... a doctor... ANYTHING... I think he has boosted the self esteem that somewhere got lost in translation...

Those that mean the world to me KNOW who they are - because I tell them all the time... but to have someone who essentially has known me since January tell me things like that - it is like having the words I wish my Mama could say to me... and I know she would... if she could... Lord I miss her...

I LOVE YOU ALL... and I promise I will try to make more time to talk to you... school has been kicking my ass this semester and I am so tired of being sick... But next semester - it is ON... more time for Natasha... but for now I'll just be the wife... and just the Mama