Sleep is overrated

Sooo... I am exhausted... I don't sleep anymore... And when I do it is in short snipets... Why? Oh you know - compliments of the VA

Now don't get me wrong... I have had issues sleeping since late 2007 when my husband's nightmare took it as far as to punch me in the back of the head so hard it gave me a concussion that lasted two and a half weeks. Since then I am extremely hyper-vigilant at night... I spend over half the night trying to keep him calm because his nightmare meds don't do anything...

So why is this the 5th time I am up since 10:30 last night... Oh you know, because he was thrashing in his sleep so hard that I was trying to rub his arm and he rolled over so quick onto mine that it was starting to hurt, so I gave him a little push to get him off... sometimes he'll just roll over... Nope not this time... Full blown disassociative, totally not here, PTSD episode... Attacking his armoire that is on the side of the bed...

So I did what any good wife (who is running off of like 2 hours of sleep) would do... I told him I hope he breaks his hand... That is right... I was seriously hoping he would so he would "wake up" from it... Maybe the pain would be too much and he would snap out of it...

So why now? Oh that is an easy one... About a month ago (last week in August) he was acting off... WAY more depressed than I was comfortable with. So I told him I thought it would do him some good to spend some time on the mental ward... he agreed... Now - this was the WORST week to do it... it was the children's first week of school... but I need my husband to be "OK" for the most part. And I knew they would play with his medication and adjust it so it would put him in the "right" place again...

So 8 days later... I FINALLY get to pick him up, and I was REALLY happy to be bringing him home... I LOVE him so... Within an hour of being home, my 16 year old told him he needed to stop yelling he had been home less than hour... Within 3-4 hours the 8 year old told me she wanted me to take him back to the hospital, and at bedtime the 6 year old told me that he didn't want Papa here... Yup, definitely didn't bring home nearly the same man...

Not don't get me wrong... My husband has had issues with impulse controls and is a not so nice person a lot of the time... but this was like he was on NO medication... Turns out that they took him off 6 medications (basically all of his anti-asshole inhibitors/ mood moderators)... you know the ones that made him at least a bit manageable. So basically I have a husband who puts us back to late 2006, NOT on any medication... it's literally like he is back at square one...

SO THANK YOU Houston VA... I really wish that these people would give two shits and a giggle about my husband... Psychiatry appointment today... hopefully we can get some kind of adjustments to his meds... This not sleeping thing is getting old and SERIOUSLY taking a toll on my body...

I guess I am tired of being Just the wife... Just the Mama