I never ask for much... but what I DO want is the best for me... and that is why have decided that I need to take a solo vacation... I decided that I am going to Savannah, GA for 6 days (December 14 - 20th)... I need sometime to do what I want to do... rest... sight see... explore... and regain a bit of the woman I was born to be...
This Texas living has caused SO MUCH depression that I need to get out of here and be a little HAPPY... if even for just a moment. I chose Savannah... 'cause well... I have always wanted to live there - so thought - hey probably should go visit it... I think this will be a rejuvenating trip for me... I never get this opportunity - so I am GOING TO take it.
I do have my concerns though... I am worried about Richard and the children... With his recent PTSD episode it concerns me that he will become flustered too easily while I am gone... But I need to keep in mind that he NEEDS to have responsibility and motivation to do things during the day... The children will be in school that week... then out Christmas Break starting that Friday afternoon... AndDevlin will stay going to school... So really just the weekend is the issue... But he can take them to the gym for a 2-hour break each day if need be...
Am I being selfish... it feels like it... and I do NOT like it.. NOT one bit... It is making my tummy sick... I keep trying to convice myself that this will be good for me AND the family... They will have Mama come home HAPPY and RESTED!!! I think over these past couple of years I have become SO burnt out with school and everything - I need a refresher...
This will be good for me... and I know I will enjoy myself... I just need to believe that...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Bucket List
Attend a Hawaiian Luau |
Attend Mardi Gras |
Attend Mass by the Pope |
Attend the Renaissance Festival |
Attend the Vienna Philharmonic |
Be in Times Square for New Year’s |
Capture lightning in a photo |
Climb the stairs of the Washington Monument |
Color 1 whole coloring book - STarted 1/6-2011 |
Crush grapes in a vineyard w/my feet |
Eat at a 5 star restaurant |
Feel the emotion in the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier |
Fly first class |
Fly in a jet fighter |
Get a Master’s Degree – Complete by June 2015 |
Go ice skating in Rockefeller Center |
Go on a cruise |
Go on a ghost hunting investigation |
Go Parasailing Go skeet shooting |
Go target shooting |
Go the Guggenheim Museum |
Go to a vineyard |
Go to an international sporting event |
Go to an opera |
Go to Graceland |
Go to the top of the Empire States Building and look down |
Go white water rafting |
Go zip-lining |
Go zorbing |
Have a star named after me |
Help build a house for Habitat for Humanity |
Indoor skydive |
Learn sign language |
Learn Slovenian |
Learn to belly dance |
Learn to ice skate |
Learn to ski/snowboard |
Lose 120 pounds - Be a healthy weight |
Organize all my photos |
Project 365 - Started 01/01/11 |
Pull taffy |
Ride a Gondola IN Venice |
Ride a horse on the beach |
Ride a motorcycle (passenger) |
Run a marathon |
Save change for a year - started 12/30/10 |
See a musical on Broadway |
See the Northern Lights |
See the Vietnam War Memorial Wall |
Send a message in a bottle |
Stand under a waterfall |
Swim w/dolphins |
Take a ballroom dancing class |
Take a photography class |
Throw a dart at a map and go there |
Tour Alcatraz |
Tour Hearst Castle |
Tour the Biltmore Estate |
Visit a Nazi Concentration Camp |
Visit all 50 states – 17/50 done |
Visit Ellis Island |
Visit Gettysburg |
Visit Iwo Jima |
Visit Niagara Falls |
Visit Slovenia |
Visit the Amazon Rainforest |
Visit the Amish in PA |
Visit the Carlsbad Caverns in NM |
Visit the Grand Ole Opry |
Visit the Illinois Holocaust Museum |
Visit the Lincoln Memorial |
Visit the Munster Mansion in Waxahachie, TX |
Visit the Sistine Chapel |
Visit the USS Arizona in Hawaii |
Wad in a cranberry bog |
Watch the 10 greatest movies of all time |
Watch the launch of a space shuttle |
Write a letter to my future self |
Write a letter to the people who made a difference to me |
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I'm glad I m observant to notice patterns...
So Richard woke up not "OK"... which led us into a nice full blown PTSD episode at school today... Ha the pleasure of being lectured by the 4 cops... Note - I had them called... for the secuity of everyone else... Today I had to put mysef in between the cops and him... which left me getting plowed into... and my arm scraped against the wall at school... He is OK now... sleeping... But I TOTALLY called it... I said last week it was time for his PTSD episodes... Just call me psychic extrodinaire... I decided I needed to re watch our episode of "In Their Boots"... so I am posting it so you can see it too...
I wish things could be different... But fornow I accept this as our life... and I try to handle it in grace... heck I'm just the wife... doing what a wife should do...http://www.intheirboots.com/itb/shows/archive/when-he-came-home.html
I wish things could be different... But fornow I accept this as our life... and I try to handle it in grace... heck I'm just the wife... doing what a wife should do...http://www.intheirboots.com/itb/shows/archive/when-he-came-home.html
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I'll trade you lives... just for the week... I PROMISE I'll come back
So yesterday I went to school... Richard went to his classes... I went to Geology Lab... he is suppose to be in Philosophy. I get this call at the beginning of class... It is Richard and he is out in the parking lot on the ground... his back gave out... ER here we come... That's OK - I didn't want to go to Geology anyhow (that is sarcasim in case you didn't know). So my wonderful friends Kari and Valentina were a big help to me... Kari was awesome and picked up the wee ones from school for me... and Richard pretty much slept for the rest of the night... Had about 5 hours asleep and went back to school... I am SO behind on my Geology Lab it is frustrating me immensely. Only 19 days and a wake up left of school, and 23 days and a wake up till I graduate... After ALL these years I am FINALLY going to have my AA in Psychology (about time, huh?)...
I'm just so tired now though... so MUCH to do... and with Richard having these issues makes me worry that it is about time for a TBI episode... They end up being a pattern...
Looking forward to a trip... I need it... Can it be December 13 already?
I'm just so tired now though... so MUCH to do... and with Richard having these issues makes me worry that it is about time for a TBI episode... They end up being a pattern...
Looking forward to a trip... I need it... Can it be December 13 already?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Hurry Home
Today is VERY emotional for me... and this song just brings the tears before I know it... I don't know why... Then the video just adds SO much more...
He's been sitting by the phone since she left
But it's time for work and he just can't be late
So he grabs his old guitar and he plays a couple bars on the machine
And then he softly sings
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home
Well, the message light was blinking when he got back
It was an old friend calling 'cause he just heard the news
He said man, I hope you find her
If I see her I'll remind her that her dad is worried and want her to know
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home
Well, the days dragged by without a word from her
And it looked like she might not be coming back
People said man, don't you think it's time to take that old message off
He said no, you never know when she might call
She was just outside a bar in New York City
Her so-called friends had left her all alone
She was scared he wouldn't want her
But she dialed up that old number and let it ring
And then she heard him sing
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home
He walked in just in time to hear her say
Dad, I'm on my way
He's been sitting by the phone since she left
But it's time for work and he just can't be late
So he grabs his old guitar and he plays a couple bars on the machine
And then he softly sings
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home
Well, the message light was blinking when he got back
It was an old friend calling 'cause he just heard the news
He said man, I hope you find her
If I see her I'll remind her that her dad is worried and want her to know
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home
Well, the days dragged by without a word from her
And it looked like she might not be coming back
People said man, don't you think it's time to take that old message off
He said no, you never know when she might call
She was just outside a bar in New York City
Her so-called friends had left her all alone
She was scared he wouldn't want her
But she dialed up that old number and let it ring
And then she heard him sing
It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home
And honey if it's you we've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home
He walked in just in time to hear her say
Dad, I'm on my way
Jason Michael Carroll - "Hurry Home"
Jason Michael Carroll - "Hurry Home": "Growing Up Is Getting Old"
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
So... it shall begin
I decided I REALLY needed a place to vent and or just hear myself think... I don't ask for negativity... Basically - this is MY place to cry... and well, since it's my party - well... Ill cry if I want to...
A little about me...
We'll skip all the little stuff and jump straight to... well... I guess it is the "good" stuff... My husband and I married in January 2003... and then again in December 2004 - Yes we celebrate two anniversaries... if celebrating is what it would be called... we recognize both... We have three wonderful kids... although the eldest (let's just say - she's a teenager) - well, she's my heartache... I was pregnant with my third kiddo when my husband was medivaced home from Iraq on his 3rd tour... It was just before Halloween 2006... Maybe that's why all the emotions built up in me right now... like I said - this is MY party and I want to cry...
I knew BEFORE that deployment that something was wrong... just couldn't pin point what it was... but overall it was OK... I was a KV for the unit... a Key Volunteer for those that don't know is basically like the Mommy of the group - and keeps the communications with the Stateside families... I was the ONLY one for my 102 Marines... Being pregnant and having a baby toddling around was stressful enough... but actually not bad... But it was after my wee'st one was born that it ALL changed... life as I knew it was DONE...
It was December 15th... 2006... My baby was 11 days old... when I heard him crying then Richard saying, "If you don't shut the fuck up - I'll slit your throat..." And so it began...
A lot has gone in these past 4 years... and I can't say it has gotten easier... Would I change any of it - HELL YA!!! I would giv my husband his brain AND mind back... I can't imagine what it feels like in HIS world... but I sure as hell know what it feels like in mine... I have the secondary PTSD... I have been been on the receiving end of his... this crap SUCKS!!! So here we are in Texas... just celebrating our two year mark of being in the house just about a month ago... although celebrating is NOT how I would describe it... and I feel more lost than ever...
EVERYONE I know and love is just so far away... I know I have made some exceptional friends here... and some of my friends have been able to come and visit us... but does it make it any easier... nope... So I decided to go back to school in the Fall of 2009... decided to finally finish what I started. But with all this new knowledge I have learned over the past 4 years - I decided working with people with TBI and PTSD would be a good way to go... I think I am pretty good and patient with it... and others compliment me... so why not... Just FYI - I graduate with my AA in Psychology December 11th of this year... Then I will take a break till Fall 2011 to deal with all my medical issues...
But... I am tired... I can't seem to concentrae and exhaustion just seems to bethe norm for me these days... i really don't know any different... I know I take on too many things - but there is NOTHING I want to miss when it comes to my children. I just don't get it - I SWEAR my Mama use to do 2 - 3 times more stuff and never seemed to lack any kind of energy... I just want to be the kind of person she was... and make her proud...
The other day on Facebook I posted this thing about asking me ANYTHING to my Inbox... my friend asked me a simple question... She basically wanted to know how I saw myself..." Here was my reply...
"When I look at myself... I see a broken-down woman whose body is done... But doesn't want to miss an opportunity to help someone or do something with and for my children... I see myself not being able to do ALL the things I want to do (I know that sounds crazy with all I DO do)... I see myself as getting weaker and weaker... I am afraid that because of it - I will miss out on so many things...
My Mama was truly the STRONGEST woman I have ever known... and I don't see my self as doing even half of what she did at this point... I just want to make her proud..."
That is the truth too... I just think I am doing what I am suppose to do as a wife and a a Mama... I don't ask for anything in return... But more importantly I want to share the response I got from her... I am not naming her - so I hope she doesn't mind... It meant EVERYTHING to me...
"On my list of strong women, you are like. . . #2. MY mom is numero uno. I always think of you when I feel I can't take it, and I realize that your day-to-day trumps my random down-in-the-dumps. I think you are frickin' amazing and that everyone who has gotten to know you is sooo lucky - whether they know it or not..."
That last part makes the tears come... because EVERYTHING I think I have worked fr in my life leads to that... That SOMEHOW I made a difference... and I know SO many of those in my life that I love dearly have told me that in the past... but I never knew she felt that way... I have felt that way about others in my life - that people that know them truly are blessed... (God rest his soul) Jerry Nguyen was one of those people to me... I think he was just one of those people that EVERYONE should have known...
I don't ask for anything for me... just that others pass on what they have learned from me to others... passing it forward is how we help to make a change... Then I truly believe that I was given another God send this year... I met my Geology teacher who really has become an important part of my survival in this state... he is really the little bit of California that I need to keep my sanity here... OMG - what am I gonna do when I graduate... But I think we have become pretty good friends I think he and his wife are really wonderful... but he puts "bad" things in my head... you know... like telling me that I could be anything... a laywer... a doctor... ANYTHING... I think he has boosted the self esteem that somewhere got lost in translation...
Those that mean the world to me KNOW who they are - because I tell them all the time... but to have someone who essentially has known me since January tell me things like that - it is like having the words I wish my Mama could say to me... and I know she would... if she could... Lord I miss her...
I LOVE YOU ALL... and I promise I will try to make more time to talk to you... school has been kicking my ass this semester and I am so tired of being sick... But next semester - it is ON... more time for Natasha... but for now I'll just be the wife... and just the Mama
A little about me...
We'll skip all the little stuff and jump straight to... well... I guess it is the "good" stuff... My husband and I married in January 2003... and then again in December 2004 - Yes we celebrate two anniversaries... if celebrating is what it would be called... we recognize both... We have three wonderful kids... although the eldest (let's just say - she's a teenager) - well, she's my heartache... I was pregnant with my third kiddo when my husband was medivaced home from Iraq on his 3rd tour... It was just before Halloween 2006... Maybe that's why all the emotions built up in me right now... like I said - this is MY party and I want to cry...
I knew BEFORE that deployment that something was wrong... just couldn't pin point what it was... but overall it was OK... I was a KV for the unit... a Key Volunteer for those that don't know is basically like the Mommy of the group - and keeps the communications with the Stateside families... I was the ONLY one for my 102 Marines... Being pregnant and having a baby toddling around was stressful enough... but actually not bad... But it was after my wee'st one was born that it ALL changed... life as I knew it was DONE...
It was December 15th... 2006... My baby was 11 days old... when I heard him crying then Richard saying, "If you don't shut the fuck up - I'll slit your throat..." And so it began...
A lot has gone in these past 4 years... and I can't say it has gotten easier... Would I change any of it - HELL YA!!! I would giv my husband his brain AND mind back... I can't imagine what it feels like in HIS world... but I sure as hell know what it feels like in mine... I have the secondary PTSD... I have been been on the receiving end of his... this crap SUCKS!!! So here we are in Texas... just celebrating our two year mark of being in the house just about a month ago... although celebrating is NOT how I would describe it... and I feel more lost than ever...
EVERYONE I know and love is just so far away... I know I have made some exceptional friends here... and some of my friends have been able to come and visit us... but does it make it any easier... nope... So I decided to go back to school in the Fall of 2009... decided to finally finish what I started. But with all this new knowledge I have learned over the past 4 years - I decided working with people with TBI and PTSD would be a good way to go... I think I am pretty good and patient with it... and others compliment me... so why not... Just FYI - I graduate with my AA in Psychology December 11th of this year... Then I will take a break till Fall 2011 to deal with all my medical issues...
But... I am tired... I can't seem to concentrae and exhaustion just seems to bethe norm for me these days... i really don't know any different... I know I take on too many things - but there is NOTHING I want to miss when it comes to my children. I just don't get it - I SWEAR my Mama use to do 2 - 3 times more stuff and never seemed to lack any kind of energy... I just want to be the kind of person she was... and make her proud...
The other day on Facebook I posted this thing about asking me ANYTHING to my Inbox... my friend asked me a simple question... She basically wanted to know how I saw myself..." Here was my reply...
"When I look at myself... I see a broken-down woman whose body is done... But doesn't want to miss an opportunity to help someone or do something with and for my children... I see myself not being able to do ALL the things I want to do (I know that sounds crazy with all I DO do)... I see myself as getting weaker and weaker... I am afraid that because of it - I will miss out on so many things...
My Mama was truly the STRONGEST woman I have ever known... and I don't see my self as doing even half of what she did at this point... I just want to make her proud..."
That is the truth too... I just think I am doing what I am suppose to do as a wife and a a Mama... I don't ask for anything in return... But more importantly I want to share the response I got from her... I am not naming her - so I hope she doesn't mind... It meant EVERYTHING to me...
"On my list of strong women, you are like. . . #2. MY mom is numero uno. I always think of you when I feel I can't take it, and I realize that your day-to-day trumps my random down-in-the-dumps. I think you are frickin' amazing and that everyone who has gotten to know you is sooo lucky - whether they know it or not..."
That last part makes the tears come... because EVERYTHING I think I have worked fr in my life leads to that... That SOMEHOW I made a difference... and I know SO many of those in my life that I love dearly have told me that in the past... but I never knew she felt that way... I have felt that way about others in my life - that people that know them truly are blessed... (God rest his soul) Jerry Nguyen was one of those people to me... I think he was just one of those people that EVERYONE should have known...
I don't ask for anything for me... just that others pass on what they have learned from me to others... passing it forward is how we help to make a change... Then I truly believe that I was given another God send this year... I met my Geology teacher who really has become an important part of my survival in this state... he is really the little bit of California that I need to keep my sanity here... OMG - what am I gonna do when I graduate... But I think we have become pretty good friends I think he and his wife are really wonderful... but he puts "bad" things in my head... you know... like telling me that I could be anything... a laywer... a doctor... ANYTHING... I think he has boosted the self esteem that somewhere got lost in translation...
Those that mean the world to me KNOW who they are - because I tell them all the time... but to have someone who essentially has known me since January tell me things like that - it is like having the words I wish my Mama could say to me... and I know she would... if she could... Lord I miss her...
I LOVE YOU ALL... and I promise I will try to make more time to talk to you... school has been kicking my ass this semester and I am so tired of being sick... But next semester - it is ON... more time for Natasha... but for now I'll just be the wife... and just the Mama
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