Just tired...

So... I am so tired... On March 21st my husband had a loss of conciousness which resulted in hitting his head... trip to the ER via ambulance... which turned into a full blown PTSD episode... 8 people to hold him down just to be drugged with 4 different sedatives which KNOCKED him out... but not before they pulled out the leather straps to strap him to the bed... by the time we walked out SEVERAL hours later his blood pressure was at a high of 84 over 66... Impressive, huh? Anyhow... moving forward... March 29th... he was talking to my eldest and my friend - all of a sudden hit the wall then the tile... Yup... 9-1-1 again... and off we went... I actually had an option (at least that is what the firefighters called it) - hospital or Houston PD... Wouldn't you know with our luck it was the SAME shift as the previous week... *UGH* Anyhow... no PTSD problem that time (THANK GOD!!!)... Got home at 0230 on the 30th... Happy Birthday to me... FINALLY went to bed about 0530 - asleep about 0600... Wake up call at 0950 - My husband was having a full blown PTSD episode in the middle of school... Again *UGH*... Seriously - At that point I had had about 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days... Needless-to-say - I was NOT happy... nor was I nice when I got there... Literally told my husband I was NOT very sympathetic being so exhausted... Finally came to - followed by him sleeping the remainder of the day... Didn't really talk to him the rest of that night... 31st... Call from the College... oh goody a meeting is being called with the Dean... went to my son's T-Ball game that night, then out to dinner... That is when I FINALLY lost it in FRONT of my husband... I am tired of the fact that in all these years of putting up with this shit... I have only lost it in front of him MAYBE 3 times... always with the same outcome... "I don't want to lose my family over this..." Are you serious? Who said I was leaving... I was just done... burnt out... tired... I do EVERYTHING... and all I needed was a MOMENT... tomorrow I would be fine... It doesn't HAVE TO be about him right then... It needed to be about me... my kids get it... They said, "Papa - Mama is just sad..." Meeting with the Dean on the 4th... brought someone from the WWP with us (Yeah Jim Roos)... needless-to-say - I think she was going to try to kick him out - but didn't like that we brought our own advocate. So she is trying to push him out of a college setting by insisting on ONLINE classes... HELLO - how can he LEARN to be in society if he is not IN society... and HELLO - he has TBI - Online classes are just not going to work - he needs the interaction with the teacher... PLUS he needs the motivation to GET UP everyday and DO something... That brings us to the 5th... Another PTSD episode at home... I am done... I am tired... and I am burnt... I did this constant episode a long time ago (in our world time)... and I am NOT ready to go back... I enjoy being with my kids outside of the house... and I don't want to lock us away afraid to be in public because of what he may do... It isn't good for the kids... me... or him. I lost who I was a LONG time ago... and I keep trying to reclaim me... but how can I when it is ALWAYS about him... My world is suppose to revolve around my children... And it isn't fair that they are losing out on SO much...

Welcome to 2011

Well... I took my trip to Savannah... what a wonderful redefining time of my life... I learned so much about me all by myself... I saw a few VERY important people to me on that trip and it made ALL the difference to me... Redefinition of one self is EXTREMELY important

I decided to start on my Bucket List... On 30 December 2010 I started saving my change for a year... Woo Hoo - already have $7.40... Is that pathetic? Maybe if you knew most of it is in pennies... LOL...

I go to California from March 03 - 14 will be ANOTHER wonderful venture for me - as I get to spend time with my neices - and see my California friends... ANOTHER visit I KNOW I need...

2010 left me with a LOT of realizations... I need to let them grow and build to make who I am stronger and healthier... my wish for each of you - the same...

For me...

I never ask for much... but what I DO want is the best for me... and that is why  have decided that I need to take a solo vacation... I decided that I am going to Savannah, GA for 6 days (December 14 - 20th)... I need sometime to do what I want to do... rest... sight see... explore... and regain a bit of the woman I was born to be...

This Texas living has caused SO MUCH depression that I need to get out of here and be a little HAPPY... if even for just a moment. I chose Savannah... 'cause well... I have always wanted to live there - so thought - hey probably should go visit it... I think this will be a rejuvenating trip for me... I never get this opportunity - so I am GOING TO take it.

I do have my concerns though... I am worried about Richard and the children... With his recent PTSD episode it concerns me that he will become flustered too easily while I am gone... But I need to keep in mind that he NEEDS to have responsibility and motivation to do things during the day... The children will be in school that week... then out Christmas Break starting that Friday afternoon... AndDevlin will stay going to school... So really just the weekend is the issue... But he can take them to the gym for a 2-hour break each day if need be...

Am I being selfish... it feels like it... and I do NOT like it.. NOT one bit... It is making my tummy sick... I keep trying to convice myself that this will be good for me AND the family... They will have Mama come home HAPPY and RESTED!!! I think over these past couple of years I have become SO burnt out with school and everything - I need a refresher...

This will be good for me... and I know I will enjoy myself... I just need to believe that...

Bucket List

Attend a Hawaiian Luau

Attend Mardi Gras

Attend Mass by the Pope

Attend the Renaissance Festival

Attend the Vienna Philharmonic

Be in Times Square for New Year’s

Capture lightning in a photo

Climb the stairs of the Washington Monument

Color 1 whole coloring book                        - STarted 1/6-2011

Crush grapes in a vineyard w/my feet

Eat at a 5 star restaurant

Feel the emotion in the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Fly first class

Fly in a jet fighter

Get a Master’s Degree – Complete by June 2015

Go ice skating in Rockefeller Center

Go on a cruise

Go on a ghost hunting investigation

Go on a vacation by myself – Complete by 12/20/2010

Go Parasailing Go skeet shooting

Go target shooting

Go the Guggenheim Museum

Go to a vineyard

Go to an international sporting event

Go to an opera

Go to Graceland

Go to the top of the Empire States Building and look down

Go white water rafting

Go zip-lining

Go zorbing

Have a star named after me

Help build a house for Habitat for Humanity

Indoor skydive

Learn sign language

Learn Slovenian

Learn to belly dance

Learn to ice skate

Learn to ski/snowboard

Lose 120 pounds - Be a healthy weight

Organize all my photos

Project 365                       - Started 01/01/11

Pull taffy

Ride a Gondola IN Venice

Ride a horse on the beach

Ride a motorcycle (passenger)

Run a marathon

Save change for a year                   - started 12/30/10

See a musical on Broadway

See the Northern Lights

See the Vietnam War Memorial Wall

Send a message in a bottle

Stand under a waterfall

Start a blog                                - completed 11/02/10

Swim w/dolphins

Take a ballroom dancing class

Take a photography class

Throw a dart at a map and go there

Tour Alcatraz

Tour Hearst Castle

Tour the Biltmore Estate

Visit a Nazi Concentration Camp

Visit all 50 states – 17/50 done

Visit Ellis Island

Visit Gettysburg

Visit Iwo Jima

Visit Niagara Falls

Visit Slovenia

Visit the Amazon Rainforest

Visit the Amish in PA

Visit the Carlsbad Caverns in NM

Visit the Grand Ole Opry

Visit the Illinois Holocaust Museum

Visit the Lincoln Memorial

Visit the Munster Mansion in Waxahachie, TX

Visit the Sistine Chapel

Visit the USS Arizona in Hawaii

Wad in a cranberry bog

Watch the 10 greatest movies of all time

Watch the launch of a space shuttle

Write a letter to my future self

Write a letter to the people who made a difference to me

I'm glad I m observant to notice patterns...

So Richard woke up not "OK"... which led us into a nice full blown PTSD episode at school today... Ha the pleasure of being lectured by the 4 cops... Note - I had them called... for the secuity of everyone else... Today I had to put mysef in between the cops and him... which left me getting plowed into... and my arm scraped against the wall at school... He is OK now... sleeping... But I TOTALLY called it... I said last week it was time for his PTSD episodes... Just call me psychic extrodinaire... I decided I needed to re watch our episode of "In Their Boots"... so I am posting it so you can see it too...

I wish things could be different... But fornow I accept this as our life... and I try to handle it in grace... heck I'm just the wife... doing what a wife should do...http://www.intheirboots.com/itb/shows/archive/when-he-came-home.html

I'll trade you lives... just for the week... I PROMISE I'll come back

So yesterday I went to school... Richard went to his classes... I went to Geology Lab... he is suppose to be in Philosophy. I get this call at the beginning of class... It is Richard and he is out in the parking lot on the ground... his back gave out... ER here we come... That's OK - I didn't want to go to Geology anyhow (that is sarcasim in case you didn't know). So my wonderful friends Kari and Valentina were a big help to me... Kari was awesome and picked up the wee ones from school for me... and Richard pretty much slept for the rest of the night... Had about 5 hours asleep and went back to school... I am SO behind on my Geology Lab it is frustrating me immensely. Only 19 days and a wake up left of school, and 23 days and a wake up till I graduate... After ALL these years I am FINALLY going to have my AA in Psychology (about time, huh?)...

I'm just so tired now though... so MUCH to do... and with Richard having these issues makes me worry that it is about time for a TBI episode... They end up being a pattern...

Looking forward to a trip... I need it... Can it be December 13 already?

We are one body